Friends w/Benefits

Recently, I met someone who has tempted me to try friends with benefits again. What I had forgotten was how messy this all can be. I have done this fairly successfully several times in my life. The first time, C. was a friend of over three years before he jumped me one night sitting outside of a natural foods market. Ah the romance of the moment. :) We ended up slowly falling in love and were together for many years. The second was very carefully chosen. I was still fairly heartbroken from C., but I was ready to explore my dark side. So I chose B. to be my mentor and friend in a mutual exploration of BDSM. We saw each other for most of a year on and off, but it was never really romantic- I think for either of us. Just good dirty fun. Yea fun! Then there was J. He struggled with what the restrictions of this kind of relationship might mean. I think he knew he would never fall in love with me, and that inspired a certain guilt. I don't think either of us knew how much of a romantic he was. So how did all of those turn out: C. and I still talk fairly often and will probably always be friends with no bennies ever again, B. is for the first time in his polyamorous life semi serious and exclusive with a new partner, though we talk occasionally, and J. is a friend and now falling deeply for his current partner, and that pleases me more than I can begin to tell you.

So now comes along this very interesting man into my life. I don't know him well, and he knows me perhaps even less. :) But he is, so far, a very good match for the type of men I like to date: funny, smart, attractive, educated, open minded, highly sexual and just a little fucked up. But he is completely undatable. He is just out of a relationship, and I have never been fond of being rebound girl. (faster than a speeding bullet they leave her behind, or worse they move in and whine!) I am getting the impression that he thinks I am interested in more than a casual relationship. So being rather the geek woman that I am, I spent some time doing research to see where I was maybe going wrong.

I began with three books read in this order: The Ethical Slut, a Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, The Happy Hook-Up, a Single Girl's Guide to Casual Sex by Alexa Joy Sherman and Nicole Tocantins, and The Hookup Handbook, a Single Girl's Guide to Living it up by Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler. The latter two are both new in the last few months, but the first has been out since 1997. Oddly enough, it's this older book that offered me more wisdom, even though it is not really exactly on the topic.

The Ethical Slut is something of a classic now on the many variations people live in sexually, and especially a guide to polyamorous relationships. It is a wonderful read and can help you stretch you mind, even if you are like me and don't generally live or want to live polyamorously. "Ethical sluts are honest - with ourselves and others," was their first piece of advice I examined. I have been very honest with this gentleman, but it is probably way too early to expect him to really understand how brutually forthright I am. "We believe ... That the fundamental sexual unit is one person ... A fundamental step in ethical sluthood is to bring your locus of control into yourself ... We call this integrity." This one I like a lot, partially due to the wonderful two definitions associated with integrity. Except for some sexual playacting, I have never wanted to be in control of anyone else, dealing with me has been enough of a challenge and joy in and of itself. Throughout the book, they talk about finding your own limits and scripts. Easton talks quite openly about realizing that, "she does not share sex with anyone that she's not at least potentially interested in sharing sex with again, and anything worth doing is worth waiting till the time is right." This suits me well, as I do not like the whole one night stand approach to my own sexuality. I prefer taking the time to see how far two people can take this between them when playing. The second half, I agree with, but sometimes my desires take me too far too fast. On the topic of "mindful choices" and fuck buddies they basically affirm that you can love them as friends and lovers without ever wanting to become committed to those individuals on an exclusive basis. I find I am enough of a romantic to believe in exclusivity when you find someone worthy of it and who thinks the same of you. But until such time, I am very comfortable with enjoying the men whom I choose, and even with a touch of love.

The other two titles, The Happy Hook-Up and The Hookup Handbook, surprised me with how little they had to offer me in terms of advice. If you are looking for information about hooking up and like a lot of it, I recommend the first. If you are a teenager, or very young and tragedically hip and have little time, try the second. The handbook has very large print, a sense of humor, and covers most of the basics. Where they fail utterly- is to give enough time and discussion to the risks and safe sex. One quote of theirs I do like, "If dating is a book, then think of hooking up as the book on tape, meaning that you still get most of the same things out of it, but in a much more entertaining, less time-consuming way." I am looking for some of the good parts of dating and friendship: someone to laugh with at movies, hold hands at the museum, who doesn't freak when they see you without make-up, and to fuck with till our brains freeze into silly smiles. But I don't want the love dramas, the jealousy, the commitment, and the meeting of parents. (shudder) I have never been one to fall in love accidentally, it has been a conscious decision to open the door to that possibility a few times. On the other hand, I do tend to love easily- friends, family, small children, chocolate. :) The Happy Hook-Up is much more informative and quite fascinating, though not helpful too much to this particular situation. "... There's a wealth of knowledge to be gained when you take a dip into the casual sex pool." B. taught me more about kink than you can imagine, but more importantly he taught me about expanding my mind into variations and your lover's choices too. C. taught me about intimacy, and J. reminded me to explore what sexuality and romance mean to me. Both books have small sections on sex with friends, but assume the friendship aspect proceeds the sex by a large margin. And neither book gives much time to the concept of the fuck buddy.

Hook-Up does briefly discuss the dangers of the spooning. This maybe part of where things went wrong. Spooning, cuddling for me are not necessarily romantic. After all, we do both with children all the time. Touch is not associated directly to sex for me, even with lovers. I believe in touching with love, and that being essential for health. The whole do you sleep over, does he sleep over has also never been a big deal for me. I have trouble falling asleep while touching another most of the time. Thus, I am actually more comfortable sleeping with a lover rather than someone I am in a dating relationship with. But I know this is not the norm.

Realizing I had not gotten many answers from the books, I polled several friends, two female and one male. All of them would be described as sluts by others, and by themselves, though ethical ones. Basically,they told me the sleep/cuddling was often dangerously misinterpretable. And more importantly, leaving helps avoid the walk of shame. Though my male friend, quite rightly said, I do not have much in the way of shame anyway.

Overall, I have no complete answers to this situation. I hope to spend more time with him, and get to know each other enough to trust and talk though most of the issues. After all, he was quite wonderful in bed, and very good company out of it. :)

Resources for Oral on Women

Just get down there and draw the alphabet with your tongue, was how Eddie Murphy used to talk about oral sex in his stand-up. Our lovers tend to worry a lot about how to make women come with oral sex. They know that is probably the best odds for making a women orgasm beside a vibrator. Other than positions for intercourse, probably no sexual subject has had more written about it than oral sex. For this essay, I am going to talk a bit about some of the resources available for increasing your skill on going down on women. (skills for oral sex on men soon enough)

"Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus" by Violet Blue has been out for about 3 years now. It and its companion book on fellatio are well written and very comfortable approaches to the subject. Blue takes the time to discuss both the physiology and some of the psychology of the subject. Her rather blunt approach is very refreshing at times. One of my favorite moments is where she basically tells you that you are fooling yourself if you don't think you have a few natural curls around the anus. If you are looking for a good basic guide, heavy on the written instructions this is a great place to start.

"The cultural Kiss" by Kenneth Ray Stubbs is goes back to the early 90s, and its art and more sacred approach will appeal to many. Tantric roots are very apparent as you look through this book, as is the somewhat trite/dated graphics and fonts. The print is large, the instructions usually very clear. For a more hit and run approach, this works well for people not interested into much reading.

New out there are three titles: "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner, "The Lowdown on Going Down" by Marcy Michaels, and "Box Lunch" by Diana Cage. Kerner's book works on the philosophy of when a woman is happy everyone is happy. :) It is laid out with good approaches on pleasing females. In fact, the subtitle here is: the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman. This book will make every women in the world want Ian Kerner, and a smart lover of women can learn a lot here. Michaels has a very unique perspective on oral sex- exercise your tongue, mouth and oral cavities til they cannot help but be strong and talented enough to drive your partner wild. The program takes a few weeks, and thus the sheer level of dedication required is going to be more than most will want to pursue. On the other hand, those who complete should be able to compete for major pleasure giving awards. Cage's "Box Lunch: the Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus" is a more fun, and irreverent approach. Although it says it is designed for all orientations, the art and author are more gay in approach. But what straight person has not wanted to ask our gay opposite sex friends for sex tips on how to drive others wild. For such a small book, she covers a wide variety of subjects: toys, anal play and more in addition to all the basics on oral sex.

What I particularly like about all these books, is the sheer joy associated with pleasing a woman. Too often women worry about smell, taste, look of our genitals, and how long it can take us to come. Here are multiple authors saying that our lovers can and should revel in all the above. Giving pleasure and taking pleasure should be just that. Enjoy!

Teaching

For the second time recently, I have been asked to give a sexual lesson to a male acquaintance. I find myself both flattered and rather surprised. But it reminded me it was time to start a blog, and maybe share some knowledge and experience here. So for this first essay, I'll tell you a little bit about both requests. The first in detail as it has happened, the second only in passing because I am still considering it.

First a man from abroad who is inexperienced sexually, though in his early 40s, asked me to show him literally the anatomy of the female body- especially the genital area. He had become somewhat enamored by a woman he had met and wished for more knowledge before pursuing her. He and I were, and are still not lovers by the traditional (or Clinton) definitions. But I was intrigued by his request. I met him at his apartment, and he made me tea. I never got to drink a sip of it. As this was not romantic, we did not kiss before he dropped to his knees and asked if he could pull up my skirt. He spent quite a few minutes just touching me through my simple cotton underwear. He seemed to revel in their texture.
Finally we entered his bedroom and removed our clothing. I laid down on my back and split my legs so he could position himself close enough to get a good view. I used my fingers to split my bare outer lips and discuss the structures of the vulva, clitoris, and vaginal canal itself. I let him use his fingers then to explore the same territory, and showing him a few tricks about strokes and how to find the G-spot. (yes I promise a future essay on all of that)

Then using my fingers atop of his, I showed him how to make me come by manual stimulation. It was the first female orgasm he had ever seen live. I was both honored, somewhat turned on, and sad/glad for him. While he masturbated himself, I took over and let him watch me come another time. Afterwards, I showed him how to kiss gently and seductively. I slept against him, and headed out in the morning as we had planned. We have not really spoken since, but he promises me an update on his pursuit.

The second request is from a man I have not even met yet. He and I met at an online site, and he wishes to learn about oral sex- giving good oral sex to a woman to be specific. I am delaying any decisions on that one til we really meet. :) But the next post will be about some of the books out there an videos about giving oral sex.